Managing pet illness, loss and grief: Steve’s story
About a month and a half ago I lost the love of my life, the person I considered my soulmate, to fast moving cancer. His name was Steve and he was my cat, and my best friend for 14 years since coming into my life at a few days old in 2009. Anyone who knew me (including my wife!) knew that Steve would always come first. His loss has left a void in my life that is unspeakable.
In May we took Steve to his vet because, despite a recent dental, he had stinky breath. We figured he had another tooth that needed pulling, but unfortunately a small mass was discovered under his tongue. A punch biopsy revealed squamous cell carcinoma, a feline death sentence. We saw the best surgical oncologist and radiation oncologist that NYC has to offer, started Steve on chemo and an NSAID and resolved to give him the very very best QUALITY of life for his remaining days.
When it was clear his chemo (Palladia) was making him feel worse (sleepy and sluggish) we pulled him off of it, electing for Steve to have quality of life over quantity. We went on harness walks, played, snuggled, and did everything and anything Steve might want. Before it became difficult for Steve to eat, we had an e-tube installed to make it easier to administer his medications and so that we could feed him down the line. We charted his weight every week so that we had data on how rapidly or not he was declining. The anticipatory grief was strong.
We had just about three months from Steve’s diagnosis to the day we let him go. Cats can be challenging in that they rarely show pain - Lap of Love has a wonderful Quality of Life tool that can be helpful in assessing how your pet is doing, today. The Feline Grimace Scale is also important to familiarize yourself with. We had made a plan for how we wanted Steve’s life to end - we wanted him to pass at home, surrounded by his friends and family, and are so grateful his wonderful vet was able to assist us. Lap of Love provides in home euthanasia as well as hospice service, which we also used a few days before Steve passed. Having a plan in place was helpful in that there was no panicking, we knew we were making the right choice, Steve’s passing was calm and we knew we made the right choice at the right time. The last thing I would ever wish for anyone is a panicked, rushed or traumatic end to their time with their beloved pet. If your pet is terminally ill, please make an end of life plan and watch for signs. <3
The first few weeks without Steve were the hardest, both for me and the rest of our clowder (I’ll make a separate post about handling feline grief). I am probably the most science minded, least “woo woo” person I know, but I did find comfort in continuing to talk to Steve and a few other practices, all of which I’m listing below. Rest and hydration were very important. I spoke with several grief counselors and my own therapist, MANY times a week. I scream cried. I ran through boxes of tissue. I went on long walks. Everything felt unreal. Almost two months out, I still can’t believe he is gone.
Reading the grief and pet/cat loss books below were incredibly helpful and I continue to pick them up when I’m having a tough time.
BOOKS
Repairing the Heartbreak of Pet Loss Grief
ONLINE
We started an online memorial page for Steve so that all his friends and fans could share their favorite photos, videos and memories of him. This was super lovely and wonderful to keep checking in to see how many lives he had touched.
COUNSELING & SUPPORT GROUPS
The week that Steve died I talked to a counselor / therapist EVERY DAY. My friends and family were very concerned about the fact that I was having strong suicidal ideation, but talking about how I no longer wanted to be here without Steve was really helpful for me AND for them. While it may not seem like it’s doing anything in the moment, having someone to formally check in with and speak through your feelings with is invaluable. Please reach out to someone when you need to.
The Association for Pet Loss and Bereavement
Lap of Love grief support groups and counselors
Beth Bigler pet loss grief counselor
WEARABLE
I wanted a way to keep Steve close to my heart so I had a cremation urn necklace made and engraved. I found this one on ETSY after a google search of all different styles.
I also had a custom nameplate STEVE ring designed by SNASH jewelry. My wife is planning a portrait tattoo of Steve. These ideas and items bring us comfort and help us to feel that Steve is still with us in some way.
ADDITIONAL LINKS
RITUAL
We placed Steve’s cremains above our bed along with a portrait one of his followers so kindly commissioned and sent to us. Our cats Kevin and Gene are pictured here standing guard and spending time with Steve. It helps us to have a little altar / area for Steve that is with us as we sleep and rest.
A few weeks after Steve died I saged the house in an effort to move some of the heavy energy out. This ritual helped me and that’s really all I can say about that.
CREATIVITY
One of the things that helped me so much during the first month of heavy grieving was finding a way to express those feelings creatively. To that end, I started a photo series that I posted most days to my instagram account. Every day, around the time that Steve passed, I would make an image - just with my iPhone - of how I was feeling. The series was mostly quite dark but helped me to process and share the things I was going through that even now are impossible to put into words. I know others have found some solace in writing, movement, drawing - any kind of expression that helps to grow through their grief.
RENEWAL
Spending time in nature has also been very important in my healing process, both with and without the other cats. Kitten Man and I go on long walks together, just as I did with Steve. Steve’s love of and appreciation for nature is something I always admired, and I try to keep a connection with him through that. I have found setting aside even just a few minutes a day to be device free and observe the outside world to be very calming and connecting. When we were ready (a few weeks in) we started planning fun and ethical animal interaction activities. The first joy I experienced after Steve’s passing was during yoga with goats at our local nature center. We also had wine with rescue llamas, did more yoga (with dogs!) and were “trainers for a day” at a nearby aquarium (all animals there are rescues). These activities were restorative and well needed.
Finally, about a month or into my bereavement I decided I was ready to see some “new” photos of Steve. The idea that there would never be any more images of him was very hard for me, so I had saved a link to an AI that would produce pet images for this very purpose. The images were silly and fun and made me smile and laugh and yes, cry a little bit. It was restorative and great.
I hope some of this is helpful to you in your process. Losing Steve has been the hardest thing I have ever gone through, and I wouldn’t have made it this far without the kindness and support of his followers, grief professionals and counselors and my loving family. Please reach out if you need help. You are not alone. <3
One of my oldest friends summed up pet loss in an amazing way that I think about every day: “All the good times and experiences are worth 1000 times more than the pain of loss. You just pay at the end.” We do, but it’s so worth it.